Based on yesterday’s letter (which did come first, surprisingly enough), here’s an author’s wish list.
I have been a very good author this year. I got all my edits back in time. I prepared my conference panel in advance and wasn’t rude to the audience. I refrained from envying other authors who sold more than I did. And I didn’t even rant about that 1 star review on Goodreads where the reviewer had clearly not read my book.
Therefore I present the following for your favourable consideration:
1. I would like a really good plot bunny. You know the sort of thing: boy with glasses goes to wizard school; balding, vain, moustachioed Belgian policeman solves country house murders. NB. Tell your elves that I don’t want plot bunnies about two hot men playing rugby. I have plenty of those already.
2. I would like my books to be picked up for a TV adaptation. Please could you arrange for it to be a BBC or – at a pinch – ITV production, and not to be one of these “based on” jobs. I’ve seen “The Imitation Game”. I still have nightmares. Please instruct your elves that my two MCs are a blond, well built chap and a tall, lean, dark chap, both of them with cut glass English accents. I don’t expect them to be played by Bradley Cooper and Paris Hilton.
3. I would like to meet Maro Itoje. I know that’s nothing to do with writing but…
And finally…if it isn’t too much trouble, could you arrange that on any occasion somebody at an “author reading” event goes over their allotted five minutes of reading time, they immediately get struck with laryngitis. It would be easiest for everyone.
A N Author