Back in the day I used to dabble a bit in fanfic (age of sail). Sometimes I come across an old piece and think, “Did I write that? It’s quite good!” Sometimes I then think, “I could upcycle that bit.” So, here’s a little something, reused for Jonty and Orlando, and with apologies to Janet and John.
Jonty and Orlando are dons at a Cambridge college.
Can you say aegrotat? Jonty can, except when he’s been on the sauce.
Jonty and Orlando work at a college called St Bride’s.
Jonty teaches English. Do you know what “annoying, mischievous, little bugger” means? Orlando does. Poor Orlando.
Jonty and Orlando are chums. They share things.
They sometimes share a pot of tea. They sometimes share a bed. Have you heard of two years hard labour?
Today, Jonty and Orlando are going to the Turkish baths.
Jonty likes Turkish baths. See him skip down the road, his upturned apple cheeks basking in the sunshine. See Orlando roll his eyes. Orlando is a drama queen.
Here are the baths. Look at the ornamental tiles. See the bright colours. Look at the gentlemen trying to pretend they’re not there.
Jonty sees a massage couch. He likes massages. He sees all the lovely masseurs. Can you say adhesive capsulitis? Jonty can’t, not even when he’s sober.
Orlando says, “Let’s take a steam bath.”
See Jonty frown. Jonty doesn’t like steam baths. Do you think Jonty is a big jessy? Jonty says, “Can’t we have a massage instead?”
“No,” says Orlando. “I want both of us to have a steam bath today.”
Jonty picks up a loofah. You don’t use those in steam baths. Silly Jonty.
See Jonty insert the loofah somewhere. See Orlando’s eyes water. Have you heard of the last straw? Jonty has. So has Orlando.
Run, Jonty, run.